photo by Paulo Brandão

why we do it

It is more work
to delve deep
into the recesses
to plumb the darkness,
be willing to flounder and fumble into the unknown

but when it is exposed
when we can see ourselves for who we are
oh, how we shine.

Once again, my word for the year is approaching me in a (I suspect deceptively) gentle way. No flashing marquis, no fanfare. A gentle but firm hand on my shoulder, a whisper.

tend.

Garden seedlings and other tiny things need tending to be given the best chance of success.

In the fallout of my divorce (and radical life changes that went with it), I stopped giving attention to everything but basic survival. If I was still breathing and still had electricity and food, I considered my goal for the day met. The details of running my own business, the small gestures that reinforce personal relationships, the elements of care toward self and others that create a thriving life instead of a survived one…all of these and more went ignored as I focused on making it to the next day. As a result, those areas of my life stagnated. Self-care must be paramount now. Rather than surviving each day, I must refocus on living.

I want to tend the wounds left as best I can.

As we heal and new skin grows, it is said to be tender: vulnerable and fragile to the touch; easily damaged.
A lot in my life feels tender right now. I know I’m healing, I know that my new life is precious and will be more than I could ever plan for, but I still ache. I can’t yet see the big picture, so the best I can do is focus on the very tiny ones, to do something every day that reinforces the healing places.

I want to tend to the frayed edges of my life.

A rope was cut, and now there are pieces sticking out at the ends in all directions. My family, my friendships, my career… one at a time, I want to bring them into order, to restore and condition them, to make them stronger. This can’t be done in one swift move – it requires time and continual attention. It will take many small gestures rather than grandiose proclamations. It requires following through, checking-in, evaluation and care.

I feel like all of these things, in a way — a rope, a wound, a seedling. Exposed to the world and in need of tending.

But I’m also the rope-maker, the healer, the gardener. I am the one responsible for my own growth and happiness. I am the one who will bring myself back into the world, gently, carefully, and with intention.

[photo by --Tico--]

I knew that baring myself to others, and most importantly, to myself, would require some change. I knew that I could not go on as I had been. What I didn’t know was that I would essentially pull apart the structure of my life in order to reveal the foundations that I’d covered up for too long.

If you are familiar with the tarot, you may have gotten the Tower card in a reading. This card can be scary and intimidating and seem all doom & gloom, but I managed to become kind of intimate with it this year. (For a great post about the Tower, see Melissa’s tarot blog.)

The Tower, from the Shadowscapes Tarot

Before, many people spoke to me as though I had a perfect life, as though everything was all set for me and was only getting better. I supported that illusion so I wouldn’t seem weak.

Before, I would not cry easily in front of others. I cried often, but mostly to myself and occasionally in front of a partner. I did not want to shake the image of my strength, the idea that I had it all together. I didn’t want to seem vulnerable, especially to people for whom I felt I was supposed to be offering support or help. I didn’t share my deepest heartaches or fears with anyone but my journal.

The Tower looks majestic and awe-inspiring. It looks as though it has a strong foundation and could go up and up forever – but it’s all struck down suddenly by a force of nature. When I chose bare as my word, I was inadvertently invoking The Tower as well. I was asking for the Truth, and that is never easy.

And then… I let the lightning hit and tear all of my illusions apart.  It hurt like hell, it stunned me into silence, it left me raw, it left me bare, but it made room for something else.

If you ask me, I’ll tell you the Truth.

If I’m touched, for good or ill, I will cry and let you see it.

If I love you, I’ll try to show you without embarrassment.

If I’m singing for you, you are getting all that I have to give in that moment.

If I’m uncertain, I won’t pretend to have the answers.

If I’m joyful, I let it reverberate to my core and try to share it.

This foundation is stronger now. The mistakes I’ve made have taught me. Everything that comes after, while maybe not the shape I originally imagined, will be built to last.

Many of you may remember that I was a blogger for Stratejoy awhile ago, and had a great time spilling my guts about my own quarterlife crises. Well now, Molly Mahar has taken some of the best of the Stratejoy blog posts and compiled them into a delicious eBook.  This would be a fantastic holiday gift for yourself of any woman you know who might be going through the trenches of her own QLC.  The stories here will inspire, make you giggle, make you want to drink a cup of tea and talk with your best girlfriend. For a limited time, they’re only $10 – totally worth it for the fuzzy feelings it will give you.

Just click on the badge above to download or Click here to view more details

XOXOXO

(Oh also, I haven’t posted almost all year, because I was going through those same trenches myself, AGAIN, and reading a lot of these stories over again helped jump start me and get me back to myself. I hope it will do the same for you.)

Now, I have lots of experience auditioning for things. I did theatre as a kid and into my early 20s, and learned long ago that someone telling you you aren’t right for the part doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t be doing what you’re doing – it means you aren’t right for this specific part in this specific production. So, I wasn’t worried about rejection or falling on my face or anything like that. I had a decent idea of what to expect.

What I didn’t expect was to see hundreds and hundreds of people lined up that I’d never seen before. I’ve been a part of the music scene in Atlanta for awhile, and I thought there would be at least a few other pros showing up for fun or to take a shot at getting on the show. I’m sure some of them did show up, and it was just at one of the other audition times, but I still thought I’d run into someone I recognized from playing out in town. Most people that I talked to there were just regular folks who love to sing, and had little to no experience performing.

Now, this struck me, not because I think only professionals should audition for stuff like this (far from it!), but because of the conversations I was overhearing and participating in. Dozens of the other people waiting in various lines with me were talking about auditioning for all kinds of shows – American Idol, The Voice, America’s Got Talent, X Factor, etc. and many of them had auditioned several times for these shows.  And yet, they still weren’t performing anywhere otherwise.

They were treating these shows like they were the one shot they’d have at being a real singer.

They were waiting for some producer on a reality show contest to tell them it was ok for them to sing.

These weren’t people without talent – even just warming up in the hallways, they sounded beautiful. Many of them could easily get jobs somewhere in the entertainment industry…but something has made them believe that this is the only way to do it, and if it doesn’t work this way, they just need to quit.

Who are you waiting for? 

The only person who needs to validate your dream is YOU. There isn’t a single successful person out there who hasn’t been rejected, told no, told they are talentless hacks… what makes them successful isn’t that they are better than everyone else, but that they worked their butts off and never quit.

When someone rejected them, they tried again.

When they didn’t do as well as they wanted, they trained harder and tried again.

When they were told no, they learned from the experience and tried again.

They didn’t wait for validation to do what they loved. They did it anyway.

Whose permission are you waiting for? There’s only one person who can give it to you.

This morning, I felt myself getting really stressed out about all of the stuff I have coming up in the next few weeks. I’ll be traveling and playing music throughout July, driving up and down the East coast. I’ve never spent more than a week at a time traveling for shows and I’m both nervous and excited about the trip. I’ve also been planning a women’s retreat in August, writing and posting new songs, working on an eBook and coaching a few clients. As all of these things stacked up in my mind, I felt my breathing get shallow and my heart rate speed up. It all seemed like too much.  At that point, I realized how long it had been since I posted here.  For a moment, I felt guilty about neglecting the website, because it was yet another thing on my climbing stack of “Things You Should Do.” But then I remembered why I like to write here in the first place.

When I become swamped with projects, the first thing to go is usually this blog. The irony of it is that writing, especially the way I write here, is my way of resting. Through writing this blog, I step back and become clear, I move inward and explore my needs and desires, and I feel more centered and able to handle everything. Why is the very thing that can help me one of the first things I forget to do, or stop prioritizing?

I need to post here, to reflect and connect with others, and to see everything laid out in front of me, instead of as a nebulous cloud of Overwhelm in my head (where it seems so much scarier.) Posting here is a gift to myself, and not just another thing I’m supposed to do. I come here, and my mind is able to rest for a little while. That’s something I’ll try to remember more often.

[photo credit]

I’m so glad I waited! After a few days, I recognized the plant as the beginning of a pumpkin vine. I made some room around it and have been watching it spread along the bed. It’s now about three feet long and a foot wide. I’ve taken to calling it “The Accidental Pumpkin.”

As I mentioned, I never planted any pumpkins intentionally. This pumpkin started its journey as part of a Halloween Jack-O-Lantern that I left out in too sunny a place (I know, ick.)  It got, well, a bit squishy, and I had to sweep the remains of poor Jack into the flower bed and cover it with some mulch so that it could compost without smelling up the doorway. I forgot all about that until this pumpkin showed up, seven months later!

This whole incident got me thinking about ideas. So many of my ideas for songs or poems have been “Accidental Pumpkins” – the seeds for them were planted long before the actual product appeared. I may have observed something, overheard something, or had an idea that didn’t work for a song that same day, but later emerged in a different work.    So, just because an idea doesn’t work the first time around, doesn’t mean it can’t ever work! Just sweep it off into a pile somewhere and it may surprise you one day.

Had any Accidental Pumpkins lately? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!

P.S. Only two weeks until Camp Wannamakee starts!  Also, today is the last day to apply for my group coaching scholarship! Head on over here for details.

I hear ya. I have been there.  And I want to help you.

If you really want to be in this program, then I really want you to be in it, too.  That’s why I’m offering a scholarship program.

Just fill out the form below and I’ll send you the application. It’s just a few (easy!) questions so I can get to know you a bit, no algebra required. Fill out the application, then get it back to me by MAY 16th.

TWO winners will be announced on MAY 20th.

Again, if you really feel like you need this boost to your creative life and just can’t swing the cash right now, please apply. You never know – you might just win it!

Yes! Send me the Camp Wannamakee Scholarship Application!

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You go to the bookstore and browse the shelf, past the day planners and address books, around the corner from the photo albums, until you see them. The towering display of gorgeous leather-bound diaries and illustrated, glossy journals almost shines despite the bland retail lighting. They tempt you, these tomes. They seem to whisper, “Herein will lie your masterpiece.”

Don’t believe them.

Here’s what actually happens.  Once you arrive at home with your thirty dollar, four-hundred page blank book, its siren song changes into a more sinister tune.  The pages are so soft and lovely to the touch that you can’t imagine having anything worth adorning them with – no words of yours could possibly be good enough.  With a sigh, you place it gently on the shelf with all of the others that have come home with you before it.   As this pile of unused, empty books grows larger, so does the monolith sitting in the way of the stories you need to tell.

Free yourself from the pressure of writing your masterpiece.  The first step is simple — stop buying beautiful journals.  Buy the unassuming, thin notebooks on the other side of the store.  Go to an office supply store and get legal pads or school notebooks.  Write on napkins at restaurants, or paper bags from your kids’ lunch.  Choose the ugliest, most tacky journal you can find…one that almost offends you with its design.

Notice how much easier it is to write a first draft in something that doesn’t look like it should contain a precious manuscript (to be discovered after your untimely death.)

See how freely your pen will move over the pages when the pages themselves don’t try to direct the show.

A great piece of writing rarely starts out great, and it’s even more rare that it springs fully-formed from the head of the author.  Rather, the writing meanders and explores itself.  It goes off in strange directions and circles back around to the point.  It reveals its themes and character through the process of writing it.

Eventually, you’ll feel confident in your ability to write Shitty First Drafts in any and all notebooks, and you can start to whittle away at the pile of gorgeous books collecting dust on your shelf.  But until then, choose plainly and free your words.

You may have heard the recent buzzword, “shipping”, which refers to creating projects or products, launching them, getting them out the door, and then doing it all over again. There’s a wonderful air of excitement around this idea because it essentially bypasses resistance and helps you just do something instead of endlessly procrastinating on a project. For this, I’m grateful to this trend.

Unfortunately, the execution of this concept seems to be missing the mark in many cases. I fear that in our haste to produce, we’re not taking enough time to create.

What’s the difference?

Production focuses a lot on planning, strategy, and pushing something outward. You put things in the “right” order according to the information you’ve gathered, launch, and wait for a response. Often, the hoped-for response is monetary (people buy your product/service) but it can also come in the form of feedback (Comments, ReTweets, etc.)  I also often pick up on a sense of urgency around production.  It feels fast and gathers momentum.

Creation relies more on intuitive, internal processes and ways of knowing. Typically it progresses slowly (though sometimes there are those lightning bolts where it comes pretty quickly!) and there may be a gentle energy around it. The impetus around a creative project often comes from that stillsmall voice inside rather than from outside influence. Something that needs to be expressed is calling attention to itself and you have to feel around it to find the best way for that to happen.

While I am biased toward a creative way of doing things, I recognize that both approaches are necessary and valuable. I’ve just noticed many people jumping on the Production bandwagon without first creating something to go with it.  Though it takes more patience, it’s worth it to take the time up front and find out what those internal voices are trying to say before becoming desperate to put a product out into the world.  From what I’ve seen, the most meaningful products have deep roots in creativity and therefore an air of authenticity around them. There is a balance that can be reached.

As always, these are just my personal thoughts on the subject.  I’d love to hear what you think about the concepts of producing and creating!